REDNECK HUMOR

Favorite Redneck Jokes

The Roadblock

Two rednecks, Jimmy and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Jimmy, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Jimmy", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What?", asked Jimmy. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!

Crow Mortality Study.....

98% of crows have been killed due to impacts with large trucks and only 2% were killed by a car .

The State of Massachusetts hired an Ornithological Behaviorist from Boston to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Behaviorists determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah"  ....but he could not say "Truck."

Now you know!

Remarry

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "what makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"


My Funeral

Three friends from a local church were asked, "When you are in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Junior said, "I would like them to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Bud commented, "I would like them to say, I was a wonderful teacher, a servant of the church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Jimmy said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's movin!"

Bubba had shingles. Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. 

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

The Resurrection

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand..... ...

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Mother of Six

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife "mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"


Rod and Reel

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."


Old Man in a Rocking Chair

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Embarrassing Bathroom Trip

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, "I’m doing fine”.

The voice said "So what are you up to?”.

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

From next door, "Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
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